By: Laura Foster

Jessica Benini is a folk singer-songwriter as well as guitar, ukulele, voice, and harmonica teacher whose songs balance vulnerability and introspection with hope and self-discovery. In this interview, she discusses sobriety, growth as an artist, and the impact that teaching has had on her music.

When/how did you first begin writing/performing?

I remember when I was a teen in my room just noodling on electric guitar; it wasn’t until my first year of college that I started putting words and melodies together, but I didn’t show anybody. I went to a performing arts school, Rosebud School of the Arts—it was a small theatre town in Alberta. Part of my first job there was doing dinner music, going from table to table, so I had to learn a whole bunch of different genres that I wasn’t comfortable playing—like old English or Irish folk songs, depending on the show. Performing my own stuff would have been when I moved to BC. After Rosebud, I moved to Tofino and I did my first show probably around 2008.

Who are some of your biggest musical influences?

The first person coming to my mind is Brandy Carlisle; she’s an amazing songwriter. I also really love Laura Marling—I’ve followed her a lot. Of course, Joni Mitchell. Laura Marling has had a huge impact on me, and Joni Mitchell. They’re all kind of in the same vein of singer-songwriters. I like different artists for different things [at] different times of my life: I really like Caamp, Chris Stapleton (he’s more country/blues-y), Ben Howard, Kim Churchill, people who play harmonica…

I listened to your previous albums, but you’ve mentioned that since then you’ve been involved in a couple of different bands, including The Broken Islands, which has a very different, darker sound. Have those projects impacted your taste when it comes to making new solo music?

It went from being acoustic to now being more electric. Even the writing process: sometimes The Broken Islands write by sending files back and forth to each other which has pushed me to learn how to self-record using Logic Pro. Also, asking colleagues what they use to create certain sounds —that’s how you learn, is just from the people around you who are doing similar things. So, I had a lot of help from their previous band members. I’ve played electric [guitar] before, but with different sounds; it was learning a whole lot of pedals and actually putting me to practice, which is cool because now I feel like I can do more.

I’m so comfortable with the acoustic—it’s like second nature to me, but it was nice to try something that’s not in my genre: shoegaze, post-rock music, and learning how to make those sounds where [before] I would hear it and I would love it but I wasn’t sure how to do them. It’s going to influence how I write [now] because I want to be able to do more of it. I always want to try different things and different genres because I love so many other genres, so I’ll probably do some [songs] that are more acoustic, so that’s more of an organic feel, and some that are a little more produced, and play around with that and see if I can do some self-production. I really want to get into self-producing—I love all the connecting and having help from other people, but I also want to learn how to be a woman in the industry who can produce music as well. So, I’m interested in that right now.

You mentioned that you’re currently in the writing process for your next album—are there any subjects you’re beginning to explore that you haven’t written about before? Or any subjects you see through a different lens now that some time has passed?

I was actually thinking about this—this album is going to be about places I’ve been, like traveling, areas, but also the experiences I’ve had in those places. It’s still going to portray some self-discovery—I tend to sing about things that I’m going through, and it’s going to be from a different perspective for sure because I’m just in a different place. But I do still see a theme in my style of writing.

I had come out in 2010, so I think those songs were more about me expressing myself, and now I’m like, “Okay, I’m here, I’m living.” It’s not that I was fighting in my last album, this one’s just going to be more about where I am now in life. It’s a more peaceful place, that’s for sure. Some of the songs were about traveling and stuff and—they weren’t angsty or anything, but some of the songs that I was most nervous to put out, people were like, “I really liked that song!” [and] it helped. There are songs that were more about me figuring out my own faith journey within that, my own self. A lot of it was trying to figure myself out.

Sometimes I had frustration, sometimes I was a weepy mess, sometimes I was like, “I want to also write upbeat songs!” so I want to make sure this album has a balance of it all. Because I can tend to write some slow, sad songs, but I also want to write inspiring, happy songs. I feel like a lot of my songs have redemption in them—they start off somewhere and they go into a hopeful place at the end, because I always want to leave people feeling hopeful, because I want to be hopeful. It’s easy to just dwell in sadness, and not that I need to be happy all the time but I go in waves, and it’s totally okay to be feeling all the feelings, it’s all important. All of it. It’s good to have it all in there—sad, happy—’cause that’s life. You know? All of the emotions.

I think now I’m more comfortable with where I am and don’t have to prove anything. Without the workload, having to rush to make it somewhere, I just want to release it for what it is. And I don’t know when it’s going to come out, I’m just doing baby steps. I want to take my time with it.

how do you think teaching music has impacted you as a musician yourself?

Hugely. It’s made me a better artist for sure. It doesn’t even matter what age, but when I work with kids/teens, the inspiration I get from them…they just blow me away. It’s such a form of expression, and there’s always something new to learn and that’s why it’s challenging for me—I want to be a good teacher and help, I’m always trying to push myself to be better so I can be better for them, and so in turn they kind of force me to keep up. And you’re constantly playing for hours a day with students.

I would say that about doing corporate gigs as well with cover music, it keeps my instrument working—the muscles, my voice. Challenging yourself trying different songs that are not my typical genre, it just makes you grow. There’s so much out there and I want to do it all but I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to do everything, so I’ve learned over the years to just focus on a couple things and get better at those skills. And when I’m teaching it not only makes me develop those skills, [it] makes me go deeper.

I remember when I first got into it, I played a last-minute gig for this music school and it was their Christmas party, and the owner’s daughter said she wanted me to teach and I actually had a lot of fear about teaching or leading—I had a lot of fear about that—and that’s when I started training. I was like, “Okay, well, I don’t want to fuck up my students.” I was all self-taught, and then I started music training as I was teaching, that’s how I learned. So, I had imposter syndrome for a long time.

I got this tattoo—it says play—in 2010 when I decided to become a full-time professional musician. Very beginner, didn’t know what I was doing, and had anxiety for many, many years about it, and just kept working and learning, and now I finally feel comfortable. The last couple of years I’ve been like, “Okay,” but I still have this huge desire to keep learning.

You mentioned imposter syndrome—do you have that as a performer?

I think I go through stages. It’s so interesting, they walk side by side, the self-doubt of, “What am I doing? I’m not good enough,” and the other side of being like, “This is what I’m supposed to be doing, I’m called to do this, I have a passion for this, I know it impacts people—and not just people, it impacts myself, I need this, I couldn’t live without this, I couldn’t do the 9-to-5 job,” so that outweighs the self-doubt.

But I think everybody gets a little bit of nerves before going on stage; it means you care about it and you want to do well. Like, I really want to do well. And I’ve done the whole comparing myself thing and I don’t really do it anymore, I’m more into my own now. When I was in my 20s and 30s I was like, “I don’t give a fuck, I’m just gonna play whatever,” and then I started caring more about what I was putting out there.

But as a performer, no, I don’t feel the imposter syndrome so much as a performer. I think sometimes the self-doubt will creep in like, “You could be doing more, you would be better if you did more,” and we put all these expectations on ourselves that aren’t realistic, you know? I put a lot of pressure on myself. I think I’m learning [to] stop doing that. You just gotta let it go at some point, you know? And just realize, “Hey! Here I am, I’ve showed up, and this is what it’s gonna be.” Because there’s always gonna be somebody who you think is better than you, who’s gonna get the job and you don’t, you just have to focus on what you’re doing and not on what everyone else is doing, because it’s easy to get distracted.

how has sobriety impacted your writing?

I’ve actually written a lot and I think that’s why. I really enjoyed my days with drinking, but I just realized that I went from a happy drunk to a tortured person when I was drinking, and it changed—really, I couldn’t enjoy myself. And no shade to people who do, it’s just not for me right now.

When I first started playing, I didn’t drink. I wanted to be really on top of it and not fuck up. And then you get kind of used to it here and there, you know, you play a show and get a free drink—to say no to something free was really hard for me because I like free things! But then you get used to that, like I’ll just have a soda and get through the gig, and being more in control is really cool. And same thing with being a vocal coach or singing, having a career in music, I don’t want to lose my upper register because of smoking, so I choose not to. I want to have the longest career possible. I want to be like seventy-five and leading masterclasses. I want to keep going with this because I love it so much.

When I stopped and became sober, it’s the most productive I’ve ever been, the most emotionally regulated I’ve ever been, the most clear in my head. More focus to get done what I need to get done. That’s why I feel like this album is on the verge, because I’ve been writing a lot—and not necessarily songs, journaling too, just getting all this stuff out. And dreaming a lot—healing through my dreams, healing through writing, and processing it all.

Learning how to live life sober is an ongoing thing because it’s like you’re unmasked. And when you need to cope with something, it’s tricky. I definitely love food more. I need things to comfort myself, I still cope with things, I’m just not using alcohol or drugs as a way to do that anymore. It’s very freeing, the most free and at peace I’ve been in my entire life.

For news and music updates, you can visit Jessica Benini’s website at http://www.jessicabenini.com or her Instagram @jessicalydiabenini. She plays with The Roundelays at Green Auto on October 15th.